We all know how to talk, don't we?
At least we think we do, but Advancing to Greater is all about taking it to the next level, so let's see how we can improve...
We must begin by assessing how most conversations happen. This is easily done by reflecting on how we each, ourselves, carry on conversations with others.
Most people are constantly looking for an opportunity to say something, they are thinking of their next witty response, considering how to say something clever, and waiting to pounce on a pause in the conversation in order to say something.
This is why most people, for example, struggle to remember someone's name - even if that person just introduced themselves! It is because they were so focused on themselves and how they were going to introduce their own self to their conversational partner that they didn't even pay attention to their name!
This is the key! We must realize that most of us are self-oriented people, that we are interested in ourselves and think of ourselves first. If we are going to Advance to Greater, however, we must extrapolate this out and recognize that, since others are interested in themselves, if we are going to elevate our skill in talking, we must talk with them about the most important topic in the world to them: themselves!
How can we do this in two simple, concrete ways?
First, we must remember their names! When someone introduces themselves to us, we must avoid our anxiety about how we will introduce ourselves - rather we must focus on their name! (Don't worry, you won't forget your name when they ask!)
A person's name is the most beautiful sound in the world to them. Know this fact, remember it, and you can be assured that your are far ahead of others in your skill in talking with people.
Remember their name.
There are endless tips and tricks to help you accomplish this but a good practice is to ask your conversational partner about their name, right after they introduce themselves.
"Hello, my name is Rich."
"Well, Rich, assuming your parents didn't know when they named you that you would become wealthy, what is the story of how they choose to name you Rich?"
This does two things: first it gets you to repeat their name back to them. People love hearing others say their name and by repeating the name, you give yourself a better chance to remember it.
Next, by asking about their name, you have asked them to tell you their name again, but in a way that gets them talking about themselves (their favorite subject).
Second, we must intentionally limit our use of the words "I, me, my, mine" and instead we should work to incorporate the words "you" and "your" as much as possible. This verbal shift tilts the conversational playing field in the direction of our partner and focuses much of the conversation on them. It helps us talk with them about them.
Talk with them about their family, their career, things they are passionate about, and their recreational preferences.
Ask them about their opinions on various topics:
"What do you think of...."
"How do you feel about...."
You can also ask them questions about themselves - ask questions that will not result in a "yes" or "no" response.
For example:
"Tell me about your family." is a much better conversation starter than, "Do you have kids?"
"Where did you go on vacation and what did you do there?" is better than "Did you take a vacation?"
The better you can do these two simple things the more people will think your are a great conversationalist and the more they will like you:
Remember their names.
Limit "I, me, my, mine," and focus on using "you, your."
When you practice this you can achieve true conversational magic and get a person talking about their favorite topic: themselves.
Using other-centered language in conversation does require more effort and discipline at first, but you will quickly become skilled at it and it will then require less intentionality. The rewards are great however, and well worth it!
